Struggling with change

Last week brought a lot of changes. My mother could tell you that I have always found change challenging. Apparently when I was a wee thing threw fits every time I had to change my wardrobe with the seasons.  As an adult, I have found ways to lessen the hardships of the seasonal wardrobe change (read: shopping therapy). But other changes often still throw me for a loop for a few days.

Take last week. My full time disability benefits were over; it was time to return to work. 

One week I’m taking a leisurely breakfast on the balcony followed by walking in the woods for an hour or more. The next week I’m eating a hurried breakfast, then spending the next six hours in a windowless office (I am taking advantage of my part-time disability benefits and only working an average of 6 hours a day.) 

Now, I am one of those people who is *very* sensitive to natural light. I struggle with sleepiness and sadness every autumn, until I remember to keep the desk lamp with the full spectrum light bulb burning during the work day.

So, it took me a few days (okay, a week) to get used to being inside under artificial light during the day. I eventually remembered to turn on the full spectrum light and life gradually got better.

Another big change last week came during my meeting with the radiation oncologist, on Thursday of last week. She said I was ready to start the radiation treatments in two weeks. I had known I would be starting radiation between 6 and 8 weeks after the surgery, but somehow, delusionally, I had convinced myself it was farther away. I wanted more time to adjust to working again--more of a normal life-- before my schedule was uprooted again by radiation treatments. 

Still pretty unsteady with the transition to work, the reality of this additional upcoming change shook me even more. Two weeks! I’m not ready!

Feelings of fear, anxiety, and anger surfaced over the next few days. My husband listened to them all, correctly naming them as issues related to a feeling of lack of control. Oh, yes--those feelings of lack of control that every cancer patient wrestles with. Cancer grabs you and shakes you, and reminds you that the sense of control we think we have over our lives is just an illusion. 

Finally, my husband said, “You know, I think this is just more of that anxiety you feel in the in-between times, when you are waiting for the next phase of treatment. I bet you’ll be fine once the radiation treatments start.”

He’s probably right. The treatments start in five days, so I guess we’ll see then!

For now, I have completed two full weeks of work, and I’m finally getting my “groove” back (though I am still having some trouble getting out of bed in the morning!). My energy levels are up to normal, and so is my mood (thank goodness!). I still have the hematoma in my left breast, but it is muuuch smaller than it was. The surgeon took a look at it this week, and said it would heal up just fine.  I even got my first massage since surgery!

I’m doing alright.

Healing

art by Jenia Maslova, http://jeniamaslova.prosite.com/

For the most part my healing has been going really well -- better than I expected, actually. My pain level is pretty low, and gets better every day. The first couple of days were the worst, of course, but even then the pain was manageable by icing frequently during the day. I had been warned that I could have some numbness along the underside of my arm as a result of nerves being stretched or cut during the surgery. I didn't experience any numbness, but I did have a weird neuralgia along the underside of both arms down to the wrist (along the median nerve) that I would call "creepy" or "itchy".  Not painful, but unpleasant. That only lasted a couple of days, though.

I do find I tire easily, and need to rest for an hour or two in the afternoon. My energy is going toward healing.

And then there's my poor left breast.

As instructed by the home-care instructions, three days after the surgery, I -- with my husband's help -- gingerly removed the bandages covering the incisions. Everything looked fine. The incisions remained covered by steri-strips that should fall off by themselves in a week or so. I took a very awkward shower that avoided either lifting my arms over my head or letting the shower spray hit the incisions directly. Very thankful for my husband as a shower buddy!

After the shower I switched to a different bra because I didn't want to put a dirty one back on after showering. I picked a new bra that I'd bought just before the surgery but had never worn. Then I accompanied my husband grocery shopping -- I swear I didn't pick up anything, just pointed out what I wanted -- because my mind was foggy and pointing seemed easier than making a list.

The bra must not have been supportive enough, because when I took it off the side of my breast was an ugly dark purple-red. It didn't hurt internally, but it was tender to the touch, probably because it was so swollen.

I had no any signs of infection that I could tell, and I had no fever or much pain, so I wasn't too worried about it. However, I did notice during the next couple of days that the bruising seemed to get worse after I took a walk or went shopping. I decided to call the nurse practitioner just to be sure it wasn't anything to worry about. She says it is normal to have bruising at one incision site and not the others, depending on whether the cut was made near a blood vessel. So it doesn't sound like anything to be too concerned about. (Though I do wish I had been given some warning ahead of time that I might have some bruising).

Since walking made it worse, I decided it was prudent to stay off my feet for a couple of days.  The bruise definitely began fading and healing.  This photo is from three days after the bruise appeared. You can see the steri-strips over the incision site.

I am getting to know which bras* provide the best fit and support. And I found it is vitally important to wear my most cushioning, supportive shoes. The yellow is still there today, but the red has all but faded now.

*I have been instructed to wear a high-impact sports bra, with a front or back closure, for the first couple of weeks after surgery, 24/7. I bought two to wear as I recovered from the biopsies, and three more prior to surgery, in different brands and sizes (I lost weight in the months after the biopsies and the lumpectomy).

Fall Into Spring

A lot has happened in my life since the last time I posted here. Sadness and frustration gave way to expansion and growth as the year turned from fall, to winter, to spring. This post gives the highlights of those changes.

My fall seemed unrelentingly stressful. My elderly cat, who had taken so much care for over a year, finally worsened and I had to put her to sleep in early September. I became increasingly unsatisfied with my work situation over the summer, and applied for several jobs to change my situation, but with no luck. For reasons that I won’t go into here, those potential work avenues are now closed.

I struggled with pressures on the work front, both positive and frustrating, that just kept coming and never let up.

I continued to feel frustrated with my lack of strength and flexibility.

I just wanted a life that worked again.

I felt like I was in a holding pattern. Craving movement, and frustrated at its lack. As is often the case when it feels that life isn't working, I recognized that much of the frustrations I was feeling were because of my attachment to a certain outcome. One particular job that I wanted badly. Getting this job would have meant a big change in my life, including a potential move. As I waited to hear about it, I held open space in my life that I hoped that job would fill.  

At the change of the year things began to shift. I started making new, positive steps in my life.

* I started seeing a Reiki healer I had seen a few times about a decade before. Our work together really shifted my energy and freed some of the blockages in my life.

* I began making plans for the new year. Plans that would fill the space I had been keeping empty. My New Years goals for 2011 included 1) begin taking Tai Chi classes and 2) begin teaching meditation regularly.

I started teaching/leading mediation classes in February.

In late February, after too long a delay, I was finally able to find time to have a heart-to-heart with my manager, and ask for some of the duties I had found missing in my job. Amazingly, she was able to give me everything that I asked for. My job is now (for the time being at least) much more fulfilling than it has been in a long while.

I started weekly Tai Chi classes in April.  

My life has changed in so many ways for the better. All of the new things in my life have brought me a great deal of learning and growth. I plan to be a better blogger and record some of those blessings here.

Meditating with color

Recently I have been working with color in my meditations and self-healing work. Mostly blue and green to calm and relax. Green is supposed to help cleanse and move ill and stuck chi from old wounds. Blue soothes and calms inflamation. I have used both colors, often green followed by blue, on the chronically tight muscles in my back. The method I use is to visualize the color flowing into the area I am working on, where I feel tight. As I gain more practice this becomes easier. In my inner eye, the colors swirl and flow more easily through my body now than they once did.

My meditation class is also working with colors right now. Last week my meditation teacher challenged us to figure out what colors we have around us most and which the least. Blue and green have been my favorite colors for years, long before I knew to use them in healing work. I surround myself with lots of green and blue: several rooms in my house are painted either green or both green and blue. Next prevalent I think is red, then yellow and orange. I also have a number of earth tones around me: tans and browns. But almost nothing around me is purple, save a few shirts that I wear, and I have no fuchsia in my life.

Her challenge to the class was to find ways to increase those colors around us. I took a fun shopping trip to World Market (one of my favorite stores) and picked up a few glass candle holders in purple and fuchsia, and a pillow containing both colors. They make me happy. Perhaps now I'll be more conscious of those colors and try to bring them into my life more.

From a healing perspective it interested me to learn from the book we've been using that purple is a very strong healing color and can be used anywhere blue is used for healing. I had read this before, but I think I may have been intimidated by the strength of the healing qualities of the color. Reluctant to grab that for myself. Interesting.

In the meditation we did at the end of the class, I sent purple throughout my body. I had a lovely meditation and felt fantastic after ward. The purple was not difficult to visualize. In fact, it swirled through my body in a gentle, lovely fashion.

Integration

We're a month and a half into 2010, which means I'm over a month into my New Year's resolutions. Let's see how I'm doing, shall we?

My major resolution was to better integrate my spiritual practice into my physical exercise. I know plenty of visualizations, breathing practices, and meditations I could be doing, but it seemed that unless I'm doing a structured practice like yoga, I tend not to integrate them into my exercise. So my goal this year is to really work at forming the habit of better integrating the two practices: physical and spiritual.

So far this year, I've been doing that in three ways. First, during some of my stretches I imagine cleansing energy flowing into the space I am focusing on--mostly my back. In his book Taoist Cosmic Healing, Mantak Chia writes that light green-white will help clear an old injury, so I imagine green-white energy swirling into the painful areas of my back. I imagine the stuck chi in those painful knots being loosened bit by bit. I ask any sick energy to go down into the earth where it will be recycled, telling it, "You will be happier there."

I have also increased the amount of qigong I am doing. Some days I just do a few exercises as breaks during my work day. Other days I have time to spend a half hour doing qigong in the evening. I enjoy this practice, with its focus on moving slowly and consciously, concentrating on the breath. What a change from doing exercises at the physical therapist's office, with a therapist who insisted on chatting with me, and a background of country music.

I am still doing PT exercises once a day at home, usually in the morning. One of my exercises is Dwi Pada Pitham, also known as moving Bridge. I do this exercise 15 times, with a five-second hold in the up position. I have started mentally saying "Sat" on the inhale when I lift my hips up, and "Nam" when I exhale and drop my hips back down--basically adapting a Kundalini yoga kriya to my needs. I'm not sure if I have noticed any effect from this yet, but I figure it can't hurt!

I am doing well in with all of these adaptations, though I have noticed that I sometimes forget --or I'm plain too lazy --to do the cleansing color visualizations. I think that one might really be helping, so I really should try not to get lazy about it. It's much easier to remember when I'm in pain than when I'm not, but if it's working then flagging in the practice will encourage the pain to return! I need to keep at this one.

One practice I would like to do more of is the Six Organ Healing Sounds, a qigong practice for full-body cleansing and healing. I truly think doing this will support the acupuncture work I'm also getting. I have been doing it occasionally, but I would like to make time to do it more often. I'm not sure when, though. The practice takes about 15 minutes to do completely, and I'm already spending at least half an hour twice daily on my practice as it is. Apparently it is better to do the practice in the evening, so I can try to add it to the end of my evening practice on days when I have a bit more time.

Overall, though, I think I'm doing pretty well at keeping my New Year's resolution. My back has definitely been improving, so it seems these practices are having a positive effect.

Where to go from here

I've been trying to figure out what to write here for some time. I want to continue this blog, but it's clear to me that it needs to be taken in a new direction. My back is still healing...yes, over a year after I first started having major problems. I can, and do, some yoga poses--restorative poses, yin yoga, cat and cow--but poses that require a strong back or any twists are beyond me at this point, and probably will be for some time to come.

My physical spiritual practice is now oriented much more heavily towards the Chinese art of qigong. I also maintain a daily routine of physical therapy exercises and stretching. I want to include more pranayama as time permits, and some kundalini yoga as my back gains strength. So while I want to continue to write here, and I think it will be valuable, the focus of this blog will be shifting somewhat to more of a wider focus than just yoga.

But to update since my last post:

My back had a relapse of pain last October, and I've been working steadily to heal it ever since. I had quit getting acupuncture treatments for the back pain after I came back from the vacation in Colorado, and I think that was a mistake.  After the relapse I started getting acupuncture for my back, but I strongly felt that I wasn't going to heal completely if I didn't figure out what was actually causing the pain and find some stretches/exercises to address it. I went to an orthopedist, who gave me a prescription for physical therapy. I went to PT for about a month, but the pain, instead of diminishing, actually increased as a result of the PT.

I believe that the therapy was simply too aggressive for me, but the doc ordered an MRI for me to rule out nerve or disc damage. The MRI was negative, though it did show that I have some mild osteoarthritis in my spine (which I had figured out on my own already).

I quit working with the physical therapist, since their treatment plan wasn't working for me, but I have continued a daily routine of some of the exercises I was given there. I have been writing out a treatment plan for myself each week so that I can track my progress and slowly increase the PT exercises I'm doing.

I also began exploring more qigong exercises and including them in my daily practice. I have found that including this gentle, flowing kind of exercise is much more beneficial to me than western PT exercise alone. Now I do a combination of PT, qigong, energy work, and stretching that seems to be working well for me. My pain levels have been pretty consistently at a 1 or 2, only occasionally spiking at a 3 (which is where I averaged during the month I was going to the physical therapist). I am to listen to my body much more, both the physical signals of pain or tightness, and the intuition that guides me to a particular activity.

In this way, I am gaining understanding not only of my body, but also towards an understanding of Traditional Chinese Medicine and a Taoist understanding of energy. I am exciting about the deeper level of learning of these modalities. I hope to start to better use this blog to talk some about what I'm doing and learning. I invite you to read along with me. But if you're more of a yoga person, and qigong isn't your thing, I completely understand if we part ways.

Yoga at last!

I did hatha yoga this morning! For half an hour! It was Kripalu Gentle Yoga, nothing vigorous, but still, I did Down Dogs and Warrior 2! I've done a few gentle poses here and there before, but this is the first time I've done a full yoga sequence in 2009!

Body reactions

Kudos to anyone who read my last entry all the way through to the end.  The bottom line is that I love it. I'm hooked. The procedure, the meridians, the sensations the treatment engenders, the changes I'm feeling--I'm fascinated by all of it. If I am ever again able to give massages (I have a massage license) I absolutely must take a class in acupressure massage.

The oddest/neatest thing I've noticed in the past week or so is feeling various chi routes open up at random times. The feeling for me is a menthol "icy-hot" sensation at and just under the skin.  I have felt this before when doing a directed meditation to be aware of the meridian pathways.  I would expect that to happen during meditation, when energy is flowing through me anyway, but recently I have had this sensation at other times, usually when I am relaxed, such as when I am lying awake in bed before getting up. The neatest thing is that the meridians where I am feeling these sensations are not those that (as far as I can tell) have been stimulated by the acupuncture needles. My guess is that now that the chi less stuck some routes, it is "unsticking" in other routes as well. Which I think is pretty cool.

I'm definitely feeling more flexible physically. Stretching and exercise are easier as well. My 10 minute elliptical workout no longer hurts my waist. This is good.

I am experimenting with exploring qigong a bit more as a complement to the acupuncture. Mantak Chia has some free videos of morning qigong routines up on his website. In the videos he talks about how the exercises open up the chi routes and bring energy to the organs of the body. It's pretty interesting stuff, and it feels good, so hey, why not try it?

In one of the videos he does abdominal rolling. I have read descriptions of abdominal rolling in yoga books, but I've never tried it. For some reason this week I was able to do it in a way that felt effective. It's kind of a weird sensation, but did feel somehow cleansing.

Looking for Non-attachment

With my continuing back problems, I feel like I have a unique opportunity for the practices of non-attachment and renouncing the fruits of action. And yet, I am not doing well at this practice. I am impatient at every stage. I wanted the pain to stop. When I was no longer in daily pain, I was impatient to be able to return to normal activities like dusting and carrying without risking recurring pain. Now that I can once again perform those normal tasks I am impatient to return to a cardio and strength training fitness routine. Want, want, want! I am never satisfied!

But the body is never limitless; it always imposes limits on activities. Accepting this fact of human existence is one of the biggest lessons of the life, I think. It is why the yogis say that Corpse Pose is the most important pose to practice. We must learn the humility that there are limits to what we can achieve, and to the length of our existence.

My body has given me such a great opportunity to explore this knowledge for myself, yet I have felt that I am squandering that opportunity with my desire and impatience to return to health.

During my meditation Wednesday night I asked to accept my body as it is. I asked that I let go of the impatience and frustration, and be at peace with my body.

As soon as the meditation was over I found myself looking through the Cosmic Healing; book and found new healing meditations to try.  And yesterday I made an appointment for an acupuncture treatment next week. I made a promise to myself to schedule some sort of bodywork treatment (massage, acupuncture, etc.) for myself every Thursday for at least the next month. Understood in that promise is a commitment to stop feeling apologetic for the sensitivity of my muscles.*

So I am already making positive steps. On the other hand, I haven't stopped complaining about the roundness of my belly or the tightness of my clothes yet. So I guess I have more work to do on accepting my body as it currently is. 

I include, as a reminder to myself:
 
Yield and overcome;
Bend and be straight;
Empty and be full;
Wear out and be new;
Have little and gain;
Have much and be confused.

~ Tao Te Ching 22

*Massage therapists, as well as my chiropractor, are prone to exclaim "What did you do to yourself!" when they feel how tight my muscles are. This tends to make me feel like I should do extra stretching and relaxation before I feel like I can let myself get a massage. I have to accept that my muscles are simply sensitive and prone to tightness.

An excess of Yang, apparently

The qigong exercises I have been doing for the upper back and neck have made a huge difference, and I am rarely experiencing pain or tightness in the upper back. Now, however, my lower back is tight and achey. Dr. K says my spine is stabilizing, but the muscles still seem to be touchy and become sore easily. I did go ahead and order the accompanying video for lower back pain. I arrived yesterday, but I haven't had a chance to try it yet.

With my recent renewed interest in Taoist exercise and meditation, I felt drawn yesterday to look through Mantak Chia's book Cosmic Healing, which I first read a couple of years ago. I have been doing some of his Taoist energy meditation techniques in my meditations lately, and I wanted to review them. And besides, it is nice to flip through the book every now and then. Chia packs a lot of information in a few pages and you never know when something will strike you as useful.

I came to a page that discussing two pairs of chi routes that run along the front (yin channel) and back (yang channel) of the body. Apparently the symptoms I have--backache, headache, and joint swelling (arthritis)--can indicate that the yin channels are blocked, creating an excess of yang energy.

Huh. I have known for years that I had underlying back issues that should probably have been treated, but the problems only became acute after I spent last year doing hatha yoga nearly every day. Hatha yoga is pretty yang. Maybe the yoga I did strongly activated my yang energy, but wasn't as effective in opening the yin channels on the front of the body. That would explain why I have been having so much success with yin yoga and qigong, both of which strive to gently open the chi routes and balance energy.

Cosmic Healing gives several qigong visualizations designed to open both the yin and yang chi routes that I will begin adding to my morning routine. Mantak Chia's website also has several free videos. I am particularly interested in this Tao Yin exercise that looks like it would be very good for lower back pain.

Along with the Lee Holden lower back qigong video I just got, these practices will hopefully unblock my yin and bring as much mobility to my lower back as the upper body qigong practices have done for my upper back.

Return to health

Towards the end of April I did some house cleaning in preparation for having a few friends over. I straightend and dusted a couple of rooms, working for about an hour and a half.  Just that little bit of work exhausted me, and left my shoulder and upper back muslces in pain for several days.  It was then I realized that, while the rehab exercises the chiropractor had given me, and I had been faithfully doing twice a week for months, had done their work in strengthening my arms, legs, and lower- and mid-back, they hadn't targeted my upper back, leaving those muscles (mainly the upper fibers of the trapezius), vulnerable. Less than two hours of house cleaning and I was out of commission for two days! Yikes!

I immediately added stretches for the upper back into my daily stretching routine. I also began searching YouTube for gentle exercise for the the upper back. I wanted something similar to the yin yoga I have been doing that has been so much help to my middle and lower back.

I stumbled a video of Qi Gong for the Upper Back and ordered it. I have been working with this video several times a week for the past three weeks, and I have found it to be gentle enough for my underused muscles not to cause me pain. I have liked it so well that I think I may get his qi gong workout for the lower back, too.

But has my new qi gong and stretching routine strengthened my shoulders enough to allow me to return to normal activities? YES! Last weekend I was able to complete a pretty heavy reorganization of my closets. It was fairly vigorous work that took hours to complete. I had been wanting to do this reorganization for months but couldn't because of my back pain. My shoulders were a bit sore for the next couple of days, but nothing worse than typical muscle soreness (DOMS).

It has been a long road (six months since I started chiropractic), but I am so glad to finally be able to do normal activities again!

Refreshed

My back has been having a bit of a flare-up recently. It was doing better and the pain had pretty much gone away, so a couple of weekends ago I ended up over-exerting it. I didn't do anything particularly strenuous, just straightening and organizing, and I put together one of those assemble-yourself particle board cabinets. But my muscles are sensitive, and even that was too much, and the pain returned. A week-and-a-half later and I'm still not back to where I was. It's very frustrating.

On top of that, work right now is in a place of transition, uncertainty, and lack of focus. I have finished up old tasks, and have yet to be brought into new ones, so I don't have a whole lot to do at the moment. I find blank days without clear tasks to be stressful.

How easy it is to start feeling sorry for myself. I try to keep a positive attitude, but, like so much in life, that takes practice and attentiveness. I realized a day to myself would help me regroup. So, since I have plenty of vacation time saved, I took a day off yesterday, stayed home, and meditated.

My goal was to spend most of the day studying my breathing practice and meditating. I flipped through Kundalini Yoga: The Flow of Eternal Power, which I recently bought. I can't do any of the moving kriyas right now, but I did find a couple of pranayama techniques to try. One that I particularly liked was basically breath retention after an inhale, combined with a mantra (Sa-Ta-Na-Ma).

After the breath work, I spent much of the afternoon in meditation (almost 3 hours, with breaks every hour). The pranayama must have stirred stuff up, because it wasn't until the third hour of meditation that I finally felt like I had a good meditation. Then I went to meditation class, where we meditated another 45 minutes!

After three-and-a-half hours I was definitely ready to be done meditating. But I got some clarity and peace about some things that came up. And I feel much, much better today. I have am so glad I gave myself that break. I needed it.

The path of surrender

I am finding that the body work I am undergoing now--chiropractic and deep tissue massage--is releasing stored past memories and pain. To heal fully, I must allow these memories and feelings to come pass through me. I must surrender to the process as it unfolds.

My practice last night was simple: a few minutes of pranayama followed by a 40 minute meditation. During the meditation I petitioned to accept the path of surrender.

Surrender to the physical pain, the forced inactivity, the emotional pain, and the memories. I must be open to the experiences as they happen, then allow them to drift away like clouds, like thoughts that arise in meditation...not to be followed or held onto, but simply experienced as they come, and then released.

I slept well last night. Today I feel more grounded emotionally, though I still need a heating pad to help with the physical.

Surrender

As I lay in my bed last night, propped up on pillows because when I lay on my back the pressure on my spine impinged a nerve, making my hands go numb, I couldn't help feeling very sorry for myself. I want more than anything to able to do an hour-long hatha yoga practice. I want to get that good workout feeling, feeling cleansed and refreshed. I have been dedicated in my practice for over a year, building it slowly and steadily. And yet, it seems that I have been blocked again and again by my body's recurrent problems and limitations.

But I stop and remind myself that my current back problems arose out of the positive changes I have made this year: getting really good shoe orthotics to treat recurrent plantar fasciitis, exercising, yoga--these have uncovered congenital problems, including scoliosis, that have lain dormant until now.

"The pathways [of nourishment and elimination] must be clear of obstructing forces in order for prana [nourishment] and apana [elimination] to have a healthy relationship.  In yogic language, this region must be in a state of sukha, with literally translates as "good space."  "Bad space" is referred to as dukha; which is commonly translated as "suffering." - Leslie Kaminoff, in Yoga Anatomy

Perhaps my current back problems are a necessary cleansing, creating space for more expansion, for growth, for something new to take its place. It may feel now like an obstacle to  my practice and to the exercise that I crave. But perhaps this is a necessary pause, a time when pulling back is necessary for future growth. A blockage to the flow of prana must be cleared out of the way before further expansion and growth can take place.

I have come through many obstacles in my life, some of which have seemed truly insurmountable. I have moved through them and been happier, stronger, on the other side. I have looked back and been amazed and grateful for the changes that have taken place. If I reframe this time to be a necessary period of cleansing and clearing, perhaps it will be easier to get through to the other side. Though it may not look like it at this moment, I keep telling myself that this, too, is a time I will look back on in wonder and gratitude for the gifts it has brought me.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-- Jelaluddin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks

First chiropractic appointment

My chiro appointment went very well. Dr. K is super sweet and attentive. Her intake discussion with me was very detailed.  She had an intake questionnaire for me to indicate what activities my back pain interferes with.  Mostly the pain isn't bad enough to interfere with my daily activities, but I did indicate I can have trouble lying on my back (I haven’t been able to do Savasana for a couple of months). I also noted that I’m unable to twist without pain.  One of the muscle groups that is currently spasming (the serratus posterior) is involved in twisting the spine.  I explained that practice yoga, yoga has a lot of twisting, I have had to stop doing all twists because of my injury, and I miss it.  I think she was bemused/amused by my complaint. I'm sure it's not often a client's major complaint is that they can't twist!

 

During her examination, she found good mobility in my spine except for T5-T9, right there in my mid-back. Apparently I have a golf-ball-sized knot of very spasmed muscle just to the right of the spine in that region. She seemed concerned that it may have been there for "some time", and was starting to form scar tissue.  Goody.

 

She did a quick spinal adjustment, then gave me electrical stimulation to try to release the muscle spasm. Electrodes went above and below the knot, and she covered the whole area with a hot pad. The stim felt tingly, odd, and slightly unpleasant. The treatment probably lasted 10 minutes.

 

She decided on twice weekly treatments for 4-6 weeks that will include manipulation, heat, and muscle stim. She also wrote a scrip for weekly massage for the same length of time, which will be covered by insurance.  I'll have to see if my current MT is set up to take insurance. My guess is she's not, in which case I'll get massages at the chiro clinic after my treatment.

 

For home therapy self-care, I'm supposed to apply moist heat for about 20 minutes twice a day. No more ice. I can either take a hot shower, hot bath, or use a moist heating pad. I'm just tickled that I have a doctor's note to take a long hot shower every morning, and a hot bath every night!

 

I asked her if she was going to prescribe any PT exercises. She said not yet. She wants to see how I respond to her current treatment plan first, then add additional treatments if they don’t work. She says if she throws everything at me at once, she won’t know what has worked and what hasn’t. The scientific approach! As a scientist myself (geologist), I appreciate the application of the scientific method.

 

So where does that leave my yoga practice? She. Dr. K said she never tells someone who has an active exercise program to stop; basically left it up to me.  My practice has dwindled down to little more than stretches and PT exercises for the past month or two anyway. I think I’ll keep doing some stretches on my limbs, and maybe neck stretches, but cut out anything that focuses on the back or abs for the time being.  Maybe this is a time to focus my practice on pranayama and meditation instead of asana.

Gathering energy for healing

I attend free weekly meditation classes at a local bookstore. The first hour of the class a teaching, usually lecture or discussion, but sometimes instruction in a spiritual technique or guided meditation. Then we meditate together for the second hour. 

This week my meditation teacher talked about using the exchange of energy with the people around us for our own healing and growth. Every day, we experience an exchange of energy with the people who surround us and those we interact with. For example, I may encounter someone happy, or depressed, or anxious, and find that I in turn may react to the energy this person is giving off.

I have choices in how I will let that energy affect me. I may find I also begin to feel happy, depressed, or anxious in concert with the other person. Or I can resist it. If I'm in a good mood, and encounter someone who isn't, I'll probably resist having my mood pulled down because I don't want to feel sad or anxious.

My teacher suggested a third choice:  to ask that this energy I am feeling, intersecting with, be experienced by me for my own healing and growth.  Energy is just energy, right? Prana. By simply asking that the energy of the interaction be transmuted to my own healing, I can use that energy I am already experiencing simply by being near or interacting with this person for my own health. And by the energy being transmuted, the other person also gets a benefit as that energy goes out to interact with their own prana. They will usually feel calmer and more peaceful themselves.

I have felt the effects of this myself as my meditation teacher moves the energy of the class through her body. Often in class I will find myself go from feeling emotional or anxious to feeling grounded and calm, and I'll realize my teacher has begun working with the energy of the class. I realize I feel better and I'm better able to understand the concepts she's discussing.

When it came time for us to meditate, I tried it out. I have been having a lot of back problems recently, and one muscle in my middle back on the right side (serratus posterior inferior) still hurts from when I strained it over a month ago. As I felt the energy of the meditation begin to flow through me, I asked for healing for my back, and this muscle in particular. I pictured my back as whole and healthy. Throughout the meditation I continued to send energy there.

The resulting experience wasn't entirely pleasant. I became keenly aware of the areas of pain all up and down my right side, from my ankle to my scalp (yes, I have pain in all the diodes down my right side). The sensation was one of coolness, and was very much within the body, not on my skin.

My back does feel better today though. I have also made (after much procrastination on my part) an appointment with a chiropractor for tonight, which will be followed by a massage appointment. It's always good to include physical methods of healing along with the spiritual. I'm sure my back is on the mend.

Anyway, my intension is to remember to ask for the energy around me to be used for my transmutation and healing during my interactions over the next week.