Surrender

As I lay in my bed last night, propped up on pillows because when I lay on my back the pressure on my spine impinged a nerve, making my hands go numb, I couldn't help feeling very sorry for myself. I want more than anything to able to do an hour-long hatha yoga practice. I want to get that good workout feeling, feeling cleansed and refreshed. I have been dedicated in my practice for over a year, building it slowly and steadily. And yet, it seems that I have been blocked again and again by my body's recurrent problems and limitations.

But I stop and remind myself that my current back problems arose out of the positive changes I have made this year: getting really good shoe orthotics to treat recurrent plantar fasciitis, exercising, yoga--these have uncovered congenital problems, including scoliosis, that have lain dormant until now.

"The pathways [of nourishment and elimination] must be clear of obstructing forces in order for prana [nourishment] and apana [elimination] to have a healthy relationship.  In yogic language, this region must be in a state of sukha, with literally translates as "good space."  "Bad space" is referred to as dukha; which is commonly translated as "suffering." - Leslie Kaminoff, in Yoga Anatomy

Perhaps my current back problems are a necessary cleansing, creating space for more expansion, for growth, for something new to take its place. It may feel now like an obstacle to  my practice and to the exercise that I crave. But perhaps this is a necessary pause, a time when pulling back is necessary for future growth. A blockage to the flow of prana must be cleared out of the way before further expansion and growth can take place.

I have come through many obstacles in my life, some of which have seemed truly insurmountable. I have moved through them and been happier, stronger, on the other side. I have looked back and been amazed and grateful for the changes that have taken place. If I reframe this time to be a necessary period of cleansing and clearing, perhaps it will be easier to get through to the other side. Though it may not look like it at this moment, I keep telling myself that this, too, is a time I will look back on in wonder and gratitude for the gifts it has brought me.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-- Jelaluddin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks