Struggling with change

Last week brought a lot of changes. My mother could tell you that I have always found change challenging. Apparently when I was a wee thing threw fits every time I had to change my wardrobe with the seasons.  As an adult, I have found ways to lessen the hardships of the seasonal wardrobe change (read: shopping therapy). But other changes often still throw me for a loop for a few days.

Take last week. My full time disability benefits were over; it was time to return to work. 

One week I’m taking a leisurely breakfast on the balcony followed by walking in the woods for an hour or more. The next week I’m eating a hurried breakfast, then spending the next six hours in a windowless office (I am taking advantage of my part-time disability benefits and only working an average of 6 hours a day.) 

Now, I am one of those people who is *very* sensitive to natural light. I struggle with sleepiness and sadness every autumn, until I remember to keep the desk lamp with the full spectrum light bulb burning during the work day.

So, it took me a few days (okay, a week) to get used to being inside under artificial light during the day. I eventually remembered to turn on the full spectrum light and life gradually got better.

Another big change last week came during my meeting with the radiation oncologist, on Thursday of last week. She said I was ready to start the radiation treatments in two weeks. I had known I would be starting radiation between 6 and 8 weeks after the surgery, but somehow, delusionally, I had convinced myself it was farther away. I wanted more time to adjust to working again--more of a normal life-- before my schedule was uprooted again by radiation treatments. 

Still pretty unsteady with the transition to work, the reality of this additional upcoming change shook me even more. Two weeks! I’m not ready!

Feelings of fear, anxiety, and anger surfaced over the next few days. My husband listened to them all, correctly naming them as issues related to a feeling of lack of control. Oh, yes--those feelings of lack of control that every cancer patient wrestles with. Cancer grabs you and shakes you, and reminds you that the sense of control we think we have over our lives is just an illusion. 

Finally, my husband said, “You know, I think this is just more of that anxiety you feel in the in-between times, when you are waiting for the next phase of treatment. I bet you’ll be fine once the radiation treatments start.”

He’s probably right. The treatments start in five days, so I guess we’ll see then!

For now, I have completed two full weeks of work, and I’m finally getting my “groove” back (though I am still having some trouble getting out of bed in the morning!). My energy levels are up to normal, and so is my mood (thank goodness!). I still have the hematoma in my left breast, but it is muuuch smaller than it was. The surgeon took a look at it this week, and said it would heal up just fine.  I even got my first massage since surgery!

I’m doing alright.