Pre-surgery visit

I had a visit with my surgeon's nurse practitioner today, basically a pre-surgical intake visit. I got bloodwork, an EKG, and a chest x-ray to make sure I'm in good enough health for the general anesthesia.  I also got educated about how to prepare for the surgery, what to expect the day of surgery, and aftercare.

I confirmed that I will have a lumpectomy on the right breast. I will also have a biopsy done on one of the lymph nodes of the right breast, to see whether the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes. I will also have a non-malignant (but possibly pre-cancerous) lump in the left breast removed. I will end up with three incisions: two on the right and one on the left.

What I did NOT get was the thing I was most anxious to have, the thing I've been telling everyone I would get today: a date for the surgery.

Instead, I will get a call when they have a date for me.

The waiting game is hard. As the impending surgery draws closer, my desire for a hard date grows stronger. The date is my deadline. It's my crap-I-need-to-delegate-my-workload-before-I-leave date. It's my is-the-house-ready-for-post-surgery? and am-I-mentally-prepared? deadline. I feel a great need to know this date, and how much time is left before it arrives.

"Begin to relax with, lean in to, whatever your experience may be. Drop the storyline and simply pause, look out and breathe." Pema Chodron

This is a place for good Buddhist practice. Can I sit with uncertainty? Can I, as Pema says, drop the storyline and relax into the experience? So far, the answer has been not so much, as far as the waiting game is concerned. I will have to work on that.

I am, however, doing extremely well with my needle phobia. I got two vials drawn with no pain and very little fear!  (Well, okay, I did kind of collapse into a little puddle of  relief when it was done. But I got through the actual experience just fine!).

Actually, the most difficult thing about today was discussing the disability paperwork with the nurse practitioner. I dutifully relayed the instructions I had been given by my HR person as to getting them filled out so that the State approves the leave with the least amount of hassle. The NP was incredulous about such stringent requirements and sort of argued with me a little. Finally she laughed and admitted that in the end she'll probably forget my instructions and fill them out the way she usually does. But at least I've done my due diligence!