Telling people

The hardest part so far about having breast cancer was the week between when I knew the biopsy was positive for breast cancer and the consult with my doctor, when I found out how treatable they thought it would be, and what the treatment plan is likely to be. That week of knowing but not knowing was hard. I decided not to tell people at work, which meant I had to answer everyone's questions of "How's it going?" with a generic "Fine!" My weekend plans? Probably going to be low-key.

I was also trying really hard not to worry, to think about the cancer as little as possible. Trying not to think about it seemed to take my short-term memory with it. I ended up forgetting almost everything! I would forget to bring things I needed with me to meetings. Forget to pick up the paper I had just sent to the printer.  Once I meant to go to the kitchen at work and walked into the bathroom instead. It was pretty bad.

Once I met with the doctor and nurse practitioner, and found out the basic treatment plan (surgery, radiation therapy, probably no chemo (thank gods!)) I started telling people. I posted about my diagnosis on Facebook. I got an overwhelming amount of support in the comments on that post. People told me how strong I was. They sent me energy and prayers. I felt all their love.

The most remarkable comments were from folks who I had known in high school, but hadn't spoken to in years, telling me how strong they perceive me to be. "You are a force of nature," wrote one woman. Another wrote, "I know you'll come out on top. You always do!"

These people knew me at a time in my life when I didn't feel all that strong. I certainly didn't feel like a "force of nature"! I know myself to be strong now, I've worked hard to be so. But 25 years ago was a different story. I felt lost and confused, as you do when you are 22. I had great friends, and certainly was happy much of the time, but I certainly wouldn't have described myself as always coming out on top. I wonder if they saw in me then the adult woman I would grow into? Or if what they have seen of me online over the past couple of years informs their thoughts?

I have been telling people at work that I have the most contact with, as I have the energy to. Mostly one-on-one conversations, though I did tell the workgroup I lead all at once. Everyone has been amazing with giving their support and sympathy. Also, too, I have been surprised at how many people I know have been effected by breast cancer, either they themselves are survivors, or someone they know is. I have heard the statistic that 1 in 4 or 1 in 5 women will get breast cancer. That's a lot of women!