The knocking of my heart

“Why are you knocking at every other door? Go, knock at the door of your own heart.” — Rumi

I debated whether or not to post this entry, because it isn't directly about breast cancer. It is, however, about something that indirectly happened as a result of the radiation treatments, and so I think it deserves mention.

Remember the shortness of breath I mentioned in a previous entry? The Thursday before my last radiation treatment (which was on a Monday), the shortness of breath and heart palpitations worsened. My anxiety about what could possibly be wrong only made the symptoms worse. I thought I was having chest pains, and, afraid I might be having a heart attack, I called 911.

It's an odd thing to call 911. Three little numbers set so much in motion. An ambulance arrived in a few minutes. I was given baby aspirin and nitroglycerin as a precautionary measure, and 10 minutes later I was in a hospital.

My heart rate and blood pressure were high, my heart was beating irregularly, but a blood test quickly showed that I had not had a heart attack. I was mighty relieved by that news.

The doctors kept me overnight for observation. I underwent a number of tests that showed that my heart and lungs are fine. I do have an arrhythmia, which was showing when I was admitted, but the doctors said that it is very normal and not anything to be worried about in the absence of anything structurally wrong with my heart. That's a huge relief.

The only thing they did find was that my electrolyte levels were low, especially sodium. I generally eat a low-sodium diet and drink plenty of water. The radiation made me thirsty, so I was drinking more water than normal. I guess my body became depleted in sodium over the course of the radiation treatments until I was really out of whack. The odd thing is, I never had any of the classic symptoms of low sodium (or hyponatremia): nausea and headache. If I had, perhaps a doctor or friend might have suggested that I drink some electrolytes.

I have follow-up appointments with a cardiologist and an endocrinologist, but I kind of suspect they won't be able to tell me anything different. This may be something I simply need to be aware of and manage: make sure that I get enough sodium, especially when my body is under stress, I'm drinking more water than normal, or I feel heart palpitations. The heart palpitations and shortness of breath were scary, but I'm grateful to have gotten some good information out of it.

In other news, it has been one week since my last radiation treatment, and I'm starting to feel more normal. The fatigue last week was tough; I was possibly more tired than I was the final week of radiation. So far the past two days have been better, though. I'm hoping the trend continues.

Learning Tai Chi

I have been learning Tai Chi for four months now, taking classes once a week. The form I am learning is a 60-move Yang form. Taking classes once a week, and practicing at home every day, it took me three months to memorize the entire form.

Doing this exercise has been quite an adjustment.

The first month, I learned how weak my legs were. My legs hurt all the time. I stretched every day, but it wasn't until I started stretching them two or three times a day that they really decided it was okay to relax.

After the second class, I got bronchitis. I had been concentrating on my breathing so hard, I felt like I'd just been running.

The second and third months, I started to have some other strange physical symptoms. I began menstruating more...spotting and having an extra full period or two. Disconcerting. I searched online and in my qigong books. The only explanation I could find was a study reporting that estrogen levels went up in women after practicing Tai Chi (and down in men, interestingly).

I also started having, shall we say, sensitive digestive issues. I will spare you the details. Again, I haven’t been able to find any backing documentation, but my theory is that the movements of Tai Chi strongly work the waist, thereby massaging the vital organs such as the liver, stomach, and intestines. That would probably increase the liver’s production of bile, and help digestion. My body was going through a cleansing!

Thankfully, all these physical adjustments have settled down now.

As difficult as the physical adjustments were, the emotional adjustments were even more disconcerting.

Often, I would feel unsettled and agitated for a day or so after class. This feeling was familiar to me from when I started getting acupuncture. It's the feeling of more energy moving through my body than I'm used to. I was kind of expecting it, but that doesn't mean it wasn't uncomfortable. Unfortunately, the post-class feeling of being agitated lasted for over four months, much longer than I anticipated.

This emotional cleansing has been the hardest adjustment for me to deal with. I talked about it with one of my massage therapists, who also does energy work. She wondered if maybe I was picking up the emotions of the other new student who was learning the form at the same time I was. We worked in close proximity, and it made sense that I'd be picking up is emotions because I was so open in the new practice.

Together we came up with a strategy to protect myself.  She lent me several CDs of spiritual, chakra-balancing music to listen to both before and after class. She suggested I use some essential oils to make a protective aromatherapy blend that I could use on myself before heading to class.  I suggested that I make a trip to a local park after class to help me ground the energy. Not only would the park be a great place to stretch after class, but I could do some of my balancing qigong exercises there as well. And being in nature, it would be easy to send any unwanted energy away and into the earth.    

I have taken all of those precautions, and it has helped immensely! I no longer have such an emotional fallout from the classes.

And now, I have been practicing for just over 4 months. I am finally starting to see some benefits to daily practice!  Tai Chi grounds and balances me. I truly miss it if I don’t practice for a few days. Also, my carpal tunnel symptoms, already very manageable because of my work habits, seem to have lessened even more. My tight right shoulder is looser.

When I first began learning Tai Chi, it took a great deal of energy and concentration. Now, it’s just something I do. It’s not that I’m not continuing to learn and work deeper, but I find that the practice no longer demands so much of my attention. I have integrated it into my life.