A lot of breathing

My pranayama practice has fallen into a nice pattern recently. In the morning, if I wake up early enough, I do several cleansing pranayamas: Kapalibhati, Nasal Cleansing Breath, Dog Pant Breath, sometimes Breath of Fire. These raise energy and heat, and cleanse the system. They take about 15 minutes to do. It's a nice way to start the day.

After work I study the pranayamas I am planning to teach at my next class (I'm gearing up for a class this week). Right now these tend to be calming pranayamas, as I taught energizing ones last month. I usually spend 20 to 30 minutes doing this.

For the past 10 days I have been performing a pranyama from the Kundalini tradition before bed. It's basically a breath retention after an inhale, combined with the mantras Sa-Ta-Na-Ma and Wahay-Guru. This one I do for 11 minutes. It helps me fall asleep.

That's a lot of breath work. A lot of spiritual movement. I've heard that when you do a lot of meditation or spiritual work, one thing that happens is that you pump energy into the personality. You become more of who you are. After a while this effect calms down as you become more able to handle the increased energy.

Who I am is an emotional person who sometimes had mood swings. Over the seven years I have been meditating and doing spiritual work, my mood swings have stabilized a whole lot, and the peaks and valleys of my emotions have evened out. I am much calmer, more even-tempered, more consistently happy than I was before.

The past week, though, I've noticed my emotions being a bit more intense than they had been, and I've definitely noticed an increase in mood swings. I know this will pass as my capacity increases. But right now it's uncomfortable. The Kundalini practice, in particular, is pretty intense. I had decided to do it for 40 days, but I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should back off for now and try again later.

Edit: There is another reason why I might be feeling moody and emotional right now. A beloved cat died this time of year a year ago. I’ve heard that people often get emotional around a death anniversary.

Pranayama practice

I am finding it harder to stick to a very minimal exercise regime than I had anticipated. If I don't regularly do at least some cardio (I have an elliptical machine) and a few stretches, I'm restless and can't sleep. But if I do too much my back complains later...and wakes me up in the middle of the night. Of course I feel fine when I'm warm and exercising; the pain only makes itself known hours later. Add to that the fact that having two chiropractic appointments, and one massage, a week adds cuts into my normal evening exercise/yoga time. I haven't yet figured out exactly what works best to both keep my back safe and bring me restful sleep, nor when best to work a practice into my new schedule. It is frustrating. Things will be easier for me once my chiropractor feels I have progressed to a point where she can prescribe exercises for me to do.

What I have been able to do successfully is delve into a pranayama practice. B.K.S. Iyengar's Light on Pranayama was my Christmas gift to myself from the store where I attend meditation classes. I'm about a third of the way through. So far he's discussing the Hindu philosphy of prana: laying the groundwork. I have yet to get into the discussion of specific pranayamas.

However, as I do have prior knowledge of pranayama, either taught to me by my meditation teacher or picked up from various yoga books, I have put together a short practice for myself. I'm sort of making it up as I go, but basically doing Breath of Fire, Alternate Nostril Breathing, and working on the upper two locks: jalandhara bandha (chin lock) and uddiyana bandha (abdominal lock). The entire practice so far is lasting about 15 minutes, but I will probably lengthen it as I get used to the practice, and as time permits.

When I have time, I follow this practice with a 30-40 minute meditation. I have found the combination of the pranayama practice followed by the meditation to allow me to sleep through the night.

Surrender

As I lay in my bed last night, propped up on pillows because when I lay on my back the pressure on my spine impinged a nerve, making my hands go numb, I couldn't help feeling very sorry for myself. I want more than anything to able to do an hour-long hatha yoga practice. I want to get that good workout feeling, feeling cleansed and refreshed. I have been dedicated in my practice for over a year, building it slowly and steadily. And yet, it seems that I have been blocked again and again by my body's recurrent problems and limitations.

But I stop and remind myself that my current back problems arose out of the positive changes I have made this year: getting really good shoe orthotics to treat recurrent plantar fasciitis, exercising, yoga--these have uncovered congenital problems, including scoliosis, that have lain dormant until now.

"The pathways [of nourishment and elimination] must be clear of obstructing forces in order for prana [nourishment] and apana [elimination] to have a healthy relationship.  In yogic language, this region must be in a state of sukha, with literally translates as "good space."  "Bad space" is referred to as dukha; which is commonly translated as "suffering." - Leslie Kaminoff, in Yoga Anatomy

Perhaps my current back problems are a necessary cleansing, creating space for more expansion, for growth, for something new to take its place. It may feel now like an obstacle to  my practice and to the exercise that I crave. But perhaps this is a necessary pause, a time when pulling back is necessary for future growth. A blockage to the flow of prana must be cleared out of the way before further expansion and growth can take place.

I have come through many obstacles in my life, some of which have seemed truly insurmountable. I have moved through them and been happier, stronger, on the other side. I have looked back and been amazed and grateful for the changes that have taken place. If I reframe this time to be a necessary period of cleansing and clearing, perhaps it will be easier to get through to the other side. Though it may not look like it at this moment, I keep telling myself that this, too, is a time I will look back on in wonder and gratitude for the gifts it has brought me.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-- Jelaluddin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks

Gathering energy for healing

I attend free weekly meditation classes at a local bookstore. The first hour of the class a teaching, usually lecture or discussion, but sometimes instruction in a spiritual technique or guided meditation. Then we meditate together for the second hour. 

This week my meditation teacher talked about using the exchange of energy with the people around us for our own healing and growth. Every day, we experience an exchange of energy with the people who surround us and those we interact with. For example, I may encounter someone happy, or depressed, or anxious, and find that I in turn may react to the energy this person is giving off.

I have choices in how I will let that energy affect me. I may find I also begin to feel happy, depressed, or anxious in concert with the other person. Or I can resist it. If I'm in a good mood, and encounter someone who isn't, I'll probably resist having my mood pulled down because I don't want to feel sad or anxious.

My teacher suggested a third choice:  to ask that this energy I am feeling, intersecting with, be experienced by me for my own healing and growth.  Energy is just energy, right? Prana. By simply asking that the energy of the interaction be transmuted to my own healing, I can use that energy I am already experiencing simply by being near or interacting with this person for my own health. And by the energy being transmuted, the other person also gets a benefit as that energy goes out to interact with their own prana. They will usually feel calmer and more peaceful themselves.

I have felt the effects of this myself as my meditation teacher moves the energy of the class through her body. Often in class I will find myself go from feeling emotional or anxious to feeling grounded and calm, and I'll realize my teacher has begun working with the energy of the class. I realize I feel better and I'm better able to understand the concepts she's discussing.

When it came time for us to meditate, I tried it out. I have been having a lot of back problems recently, and one muscle in my middle back on the right side (serratus posterior inferior) still hurts from when I strained it over a month ago. As I felt the energy of the meditation begin to flow through me, I asked for healing for my back, and this muscle in particular. I pictured my back as whole and healthy. Throughout the meditation I continued to send energy there.

The resulting experience wasn't entirely pleasant. I became keenly aware of the areas of pain all up and down my right side, from my ankle to my scalp (yes, I have pain in all the diodes down my right side). The sensation was one of coolness, and was very much within the body, not on my skin.

My back does feel better today though. I have also made (after much procrastination on my part) an appointment with a chiropractor for tonight, which will be followed by a massage appointment. It's always good to include physical methods of healing along with the spiritual. I'm sure my back is on the mend.

Anyway, my intension is to remember to ask for the energy around me to be used for my transmutation and healing during my interactions over the next week.